In math class I was taught that if you have two data points, you can begin to form a trend. The more data points, the more likely the trend, and one can more confidently discern the "voice" of the system being analyzed. I like to think that I can discern a trend after one data point, but I'm usually wrong in those cases. With data and feedback, we can turn the knobs and adjust how the system behaves. Without data and without correction, we're left to guess and which way to turn the knob, hoping that our efforts will still yield positive results.
Recently, I started collecting data points, though I wasn't looking for any. An acquaintance from church sent me a note saying he'd stumbled across my blog and encouraged me to keep writing. I barely know the guy, but I thanked him for his feedback. That's one. My mentor in Dallas pulled me aside at a conference we were attending and said, "You need to keep writing about what you've learned." That's two. Others have asked me to let them know the latest, as 2010 was another crazy and unpredictable year on this path, and 2011 is well underway. The problem was that they had to ask me for feedback, because I wasn't giving any, and wasn't looking for correction.
2010 seemed to last forever. When you're working, it seems one can look down on Jan. 1, then look up on July 4 and say, "Where has the time gone?" When you're not working, or are looking for work, you're praying to get to 7 PM so that you can tell yourself you've done all you can for one day. In the midst of the job search, I grew frustrated. "What do you want to do?" was the question I most often faced when I met people, be they new friends or old. I never had an answer for them that I believed. Life became just like Groundhog's Day, only without the groundhog.
Wake up at 6:30 AM. Run. Shower. Coffee. Quite time. More coffee. Listen to voicemail. Check e-mail. Look for a job. Lunch. Look for a job. Find a reason to run an errand. Look for a job. 7 PM. Dinner, followed by episodes of "Pawn Stars."
I'd been doing this off and on for three years and never seemed like I was getting closer to any sort of breakthrough. Friends, a mentor, and even a high priced career coach all tried to help, but I resisted because I didn't want to say anything, then have the future turn out different from what I'd told them, and then look like I didn't know anything. So, with a desire to control everything, coupled with embarrasment that my search has taken so long, I went silent. I quit writing. I quit returning e-mails. I quit returning phone calls. I quit initiating activities. When I get frustrated, I pull back to regain some sense of control over things. It is always the wrong thing to do.
Back in February, I told my mentor (PhD physicist, business consultant, Bible scholar, and on and on) how I had pulled back from a relationship. Instead of telling me how smart I was, he righteously tore me a new one. He told me to apologize to the one I'd hurt, and to get on my knees and repent to God for my independent living. I've done what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want, with whom I want for most of my adult life, and while the world tells us that the ultimate goal, it's absolutely wrong. We are meant to live in community, and I've learned that I don't do well when I'm not living in community. Where would I be today had I listened to those who've tried to help?
I'd once written about being pruned like a vine, and allowing others to correct me. What I have learned is that the process is continuous. We might get stripped down in one season, but if we don't allow others to help us and guide us, that which regrows is unlikely to be any more productive than what previously existed. You can't prune a grape vine one season and assume it'll be OK on its own after that, or even better each year. It requires constant maintenance and correction to fulfill its purpose, and so do we.
So, I apologize. The breakthrough finally came, and since October there have been almost daily revelations, but before then I was embarrased, ashamed, and tired of saying that nothing had changed, so I went silent. In reality, a lot changed, but I stopped writing and stopped sharing what I was seeing and learning. I stopped allowing others to see my struggles and my searching, and thus, hindered opportunities for growth. No more.
Onward,
JRH
